The last couple of weeks of my life have been very up and down and up and down and up and . . . You get the picture.
It all started because I turfed my ungrateful, rude and disrespectful youngest son out of my home to go and live with his father. Sadly, ex-husband who has hitherto done very little actual parenting of any of our children is not happy about it. He has never contributed to our children’s schooling and this time I informed him that I would no longer be shouldering this burden on my own and that he should either stump up or put our son in a school local to him that he can afford.
He didn’t take me seriously.
What he did do was get his mother to pay the school fees on her credit card and then organise with our son and his mother to go behind my back and see if they could get the money from my mother. They wrote a cheque out and got my mother to sign it and then they banked it. Thankfully it bounced.
The first I knew of this was when I got an irate text from my mother-in-law telling me what a “low blow” I had struck by withholding funds and causing her to incur interest charges on her credit card. Once I had worked out what was going on I was rope-able! This was a woman I had previously gotten on very well with despite divorcing her son. And now, because I was sticking to my guns and no longer paying the school fees or allowing my mother to be fleeced, I am the bad guy??
Other than the painfully obvious problem of only visiting my mother when they need money from her, is the fact that she has, over the last year, become more and more forgetful, alzheimer's creeping in. My MIL and sons know this as I have spoken to all of them about this at length. None of this seemed to bother them in the slightest when they went to her for funds. Kinda really sucks! I was hurt and angry and very shitty with everyone involved in this fiasco including my own mother and I let her know too!
I was so angry that I actually yelled at my mother! I’ve never done that before and found it to be surprisingly cathartic. I got out years and years of pent up anger and frustration with her and her behaviour (most of which had nothing to do with the situation at hand but had been building up) but this whole situation has given me the opportunity to rid myself of all the resentment I had built up against her over the years. It was wonderfully liberating.
Whilst all this is going down I was consciously and purposefully meditating at least once but mostly twice a day in an effort to stay in an elevated emotional state of being and not let this keep me down at an “us and them” kind of level. My thinking went along the lines of, obviously if this situation was happening to me it was because I am making changes in my life and for new and wonderful things to manifest, then old and outdated things must make way. A part of the stuff making way is obviously going to be my ex-husband’s family. My MIL has “unfriended” me on Facebook! I know, the ultimate “fuck you” isn’t it. Oh well, I guess it is time for me to move on and move more into the unknown and expect the unexpected.
I went to visit my mum a couple of days after my outburst. I was incredibly pleasantly surprised at how much love and compassion I now had in my heart for her. Where previously I was just really annoyed with her not remembering things, or telling the same stories over and over again, or being dissatisfied with everyone and everything around her, I now have compassion for her. All in all, whilst this whole situation has been rather horrible and stressful for me, it has now brought me to a place of peace with letting go of old paradigms, connections that no longer serve me and resentment for things that can no longer be changed but have brought me to be the wonderful person that I am today.
I really am falling in love with my life more and more every day and whilst this is a rather new and unique feeling for me, I am embracing the sensation with wide open arms and learning to accept gracefully the sychronicities the universe is providing me with. Life is meant to be good. We are meant to be happy. Life can be a struggle because we have forgotten that it is not meant to be so. We have allowed ourselves to slip into programmes that hinder us rather than help us to live good and happy lives. Actively pulling away from these old limiting programmes, I am seeing now, upsets the apple cart of those who have been travelling in the same sort of programmes with you. People don’t much like it when you change because all change causes some sort of upheaval.
What I am learning though, is that although upheaval can be hard, it is not necessarily always bad. Sometimes it just rips off those rose-tinted glasses from your face and helps you see your world a little more clearly, or even in a completely different light.