For most of my life I have allowed myself to be a servant, a page boy, an enabler to other’s needs. I’ve never felt as though I was worthy of pursuing any of my own goals, only that I was there to serve the needs of others’ before mine.
Over the last 8 months since I started meditating and really getting into my connection with the Divine, I have noticed subtle shifts in my psyche. I no longer accept disrespectful behaviour from my family anymore. Whether it comes from my mother or my son I no longer tolerate it and now just walk away.
Interestingly some quite wonderful things have happened to me as a result of this. The first is that I no longer feel guilt about things I used to. My mother never phones me or visits me. She never enquires after me to see how I am, if I’m ok. It is always up to me to phone and visit her and ensure that all her needs and wants are met. Over the years I have done this very well and will continue to do so, but from afar. I no longer feel the need to visit her as often. She rarely has anything kind to say to me and never fails to remind me when in conversation with just the two of us, how many bad decisions I’ve made over the years.
Perhaps she is right, perhaps not, the point is she is not entitled to tell me what my good and bad decisions are, those are for me to judge for myself. I have allowed her to enforce her judgement standards upon me for too long but through regular meditations, recognition of my habits (good and bad) and realignment of various programmes I have running in my subconscious I no longer feel the need to guilt-trip myself into visiting her as often because it is my “duty” to do so. I recognise and acknowledge that the only “duty” I have is to myself to be the best person I can be for me, first and foremost. If I can do this then all other service will follow.
The second wonderful thing to happen is that some of my creativity has returned. Having packed off my youngest son to live with his father for a while after a series of disrespectful incidents and behaviours towards me, I emptied out his room and have repurposed it into my sewing room. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being creative and making things. I love that I can beautify my own home with things I have made with my own hands. They’re not all perfect but they do all perfectly convey me and my creative skills. I love it!
Not only do I now have more time to write, but I also have space for sewing creativity again. In the last week I have made two new Roman blinds and two new lamp shades for my room. In completing these sewing and craft projects it has also become apparent that I have much more patience now to complete these projects at a slower less frantic pace than when I used to do them 20 years ago.
As tends to happen when one makes major changes within themselves, others who have always felt comfortable around you, suddenly start pushing back against you. They’re not sure what to make of this new You and so push you to see if they can get the old You back so that they feel comfortable again. My family are a prime example of this. I now live only with my two adult sons. As we are ALL adults living in an adult home I am now ensuring that everyone pulls an equal amount of weight in respect to house work and looking after the dog. Last night, my eldest son who is usually the least confrontational, made the comment that he “didn’t care” if Reuben (dog) got fed or not, and then he quickly turned around and walked away.
This sort of statement is VERY out of character for him. He is a very gentle soul and would never harm another living thing, so to hear him say this just blew my mind. I didn’t go after him. I waited until I’d calmed down and then about an hour later had words with him about the incident and that part of living at home meant that we all take responsibility for the dog, not just me. We ALL agreed to get a dog, it wasn’t just my idea, so we ALL need to assume responsibility for him when we are the only person at home with him and it is feeding time. Surely that’s not too much consideration to ask of one human being towards another living animal?? He backed off and that is the last we have spoken of that incident.
I expect to get further push-back from other members of my family too, in the coming weeks when they discover that I will no longer allow myself to be used and abused by them. I take it as a sign that the changes I am undergoing are positive and significant enough to be coming through my energy field and affecting others close to me. I won’t be looking forward to the potential upcoming conflict to come with my family as a result of my changing and growing more, but will put up with it until they either choose to accept me as I am now, or just move on.
For me, exciting times are ahead and I’m feeling invigorated by life again. :-)